I don't expect to be reincarnated,
so I'll blog about dying and death (with appropriate irreverence) while I'm still alive.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

My Un-Bucket List.
I'd rather be pushing up daisies than pulling up weeds.

The Bucket List is a terrific 2008 movie in which Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson play two old guys who leave a hospital's cancer ward to accomplish the things on their "bucket list." That's the list of things they want to do before "kicking the bucket," and includes race car driving, skydiving, climbing the Pyramids and a lion safari.

I don't have a bucket list. There's not much that I want to do that I have not yet done in 64 years--other than see a few countries, bungee jump from the George Washington  Bridge, know that one person who really pissed me off endures an extremely painful death, and maybe travel back to one amazing weekend in 1967. Oh, and it might be nice to re-grow the hairs that used to be on my head, arms and legs, and to be able to buy "Indian nuts." And to go though 24 hours without some body part aching.

This morning, in my miserable role as suburban husband and homeowner, I was once again reminded of all of the things that I ABSOLUTELY HATE to deal with, and presumably will not have to deal with after I croak.

So, here's the beginning of my UN-BUCKET LIST:

Pulling up weeds
Vacuuming algae from the pool
Cleaning a fish tank
Unclogging ice cubes stuck together in the freezer
Writing checks
Mailing anything
Packing to move
Picking up plastic peanuts
Mopping up
Hanging tools back up on the Pegboard
Searching for keys and eyeglasses
Trying to convince my Golden Retriever to drop a shirt or shoe
Making small talk, especially in a hospital
Being pressured to taste something I know I'll hate
Listening to Christmas music in stores
Listening to political commercials
Clearing a clogged toilet with someone else's shit in it
Airplane "food"
Sloppy "professional" painters
Restaurants with off-brand crappy soda
Bad bagels
Requests for my opinion when I don't give a shit
People who ask me what to do and then do something else
Returning things to Sam's Club without a receipt (Costco is MUCH better)
Returning empty bottles to get the deposits back
Taking bags of stuff to Goodwill
Taking crap to the municipal transfer station (i.e., the dump)
Sorting out papers for Income Tax
Sorting out mixed screws, nails and other small hardware
Picking up the wrong screwdriver
Buying a tool to replace a lost tool and then finding the lost tool
The Tea Party, The Palins, Joe the alleged plumber
Levi whatzizname, the almost Palin son-in-law
Old Communists
Blue laws
Cleaning out the car before paying to have it cleaned
Thinking about painting
People who don't show up, or call if they're going to be late
People who change their phone numbers more than once in a lifetime
Going shopping with my wife
Going shopping for my wife
My wife going shopping with me
My wife going shopping for me
Stupid names, especially names that are not pronounced the way they're spelled
Shitty movies
Shitty TV shows
Hearing sloppy speech ("So, I was like, 'how the fuck are you?'")
Negotiating anything
Bending over for anything
Women with PMS
Fat people in tight pants
Plumbers' butt
Un-dyed hair roots
People who insist that Apple computers are easier to use than Windows computers
Junk mail
Wearing a tie
Newspaper sections that I pay to receive, sort out, schlep for recycling--but NEVER read
Duplicate copies of Parade magazine. One copy is one too much.
The New York Post
Errors in newspapers, magazines and books
People who buy a bankrupt restaurant, spend six months and a million bucks redecorating, and then open and quickly go bankrupt. They could've done fine with new paint, menus and tablecloths.
Too-small napkins
Too-small beverage glasses
Overpriced eyeglasses
Paying 40 cents more for a medium cup of tea instead of a small one.
Waiting for a table in a restaurant
Waiting for a doctor
Waiting for people who are late (especially my late wife)
Waiting in line at the Post Office
Waiting for my turn to pick up a prescription
Waiting for anything
Waiting for anyone
Unavailability of clam chowder except on Fridays
Unavailability of Manhattan clam chowder--even in Manhattan
Too-salty potato chips
Intermittent malfunctions
Cars that won't start
Slow gasoline pumps
Gasoline pumps that require me to hold the trigger
Getting rained-on while filling my tank
Shoppers with full carts ahead of me on the supermarket express lane
Parking lots with too many handicapped spots and too few regular spots
Soda with no carbonation
Crab legs (They taste good, but are too much work.)
Conservative assholes on the radio
Liberal assholes on the radio
Stomach aches
Pains and problems that doctors can't diagnose or cure
Computer fuckups
Bad toupees
Gefilte fish
Bottled water from Dannon ("Yogurt water")
Most other soft cheeses
Tzatziki sauce (I eat gyros with tomato sauce.)
Dumb holidays that force me to pay employees to skip work and go shopping or get drunk
Trimming shrubbery
Medical insurance
Forgetting to do things
Forgetting how to do things
Forgetting names
Misplacing keys
Misplacing important papers
Cleaning the pool filter cartridges
Buying things that have to be returned
Wasting taxpayers' money
Crooks in pulpits and politics
Picking up broken glass
Tech support people who repeat my question but don't understand it
Under-cooked eggrolls
Exotic lettuce (i.e., anything other than iceberg or the stuff in Caesar salad)
Pizza with too much cheese
White "pizza" (if it doesn't have tomato sauce, it's not pizza, Goddammit!)
Pens that run out of ink too soon
Having too many of the wrong-size batteries
Having too many of the wrong printer cartridges
Printer cartridges that go out-of-date before using them
Getting phone calls from stock brokers, search engine wizards and insurance salesmen
Schlepping out the recycling bin
Restaurant kitchens with a huge selection of good ingredients, but nothing good on the menu
Citroens and other ugly cars
Our non-metric system
Converting Fahrenheit to Celcius, and vice-versa
Learning to use a new camera
Forgetting how to use a camera
Losing remote controls
Chinese restaurants that don't understand what NO SCALLIONS means
Doggie drool on a book
Picking up dog shit
People who are afraid of my big, friendly dog
Changing flat tires
Ice cream joints that don't make ice cream sodas
Forgetting what day it is
Late airplanes
Shoveling snow
Las Vegas water
Store salesmen who assume I want to bargain when I really don't want to buy the ugly piece of crap
Bad pistachios
Bad pickles
Bad pizza
Bad waiters
Too-wet coleslaw
Ice cream that has defrosted and refrozen
Power failures
People who are sure they won't like something that they've never tried
Senior moments (a.k.a., brain farts)
Forms that have to be filled out with a pen on paper, not on the web.
Forms that have spaces that are too small for the info that has to go in the spaces
People on the phone who ask for an account number a few seconds after I keyed-in the account number
People who misspell my name
Errors in take-out or delivered food
Misdirected mail
Rectal exams
Prostate biopsies with no anesthetic
Waiting for results of a prostate biopsy

I'm sure I'll think of more to add. Readers' contributions are welcome.

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