Monday, August 30, 2010
Does a miscarriage count as a dead child? Why a dog can be better than a human child. Who will visit the nursing home?
Paint colors or wallpaper are picked out. Names are evaluated. Toys and clothes are accumulated. Jokes are told about preschools and colleges.
And then, a few months early, the doctor delivers a blood clot instead of a child. It gets flushed or bagged and burned. There is not even enough to "deserve" a funeral and a gravestone.
After, there are tears, testing and finger-pointing. Is it her fault or his fault or their fault? Could she have done something differently to "hold onto" the baby? What do they tell people?
Should they try again? How many times should they try again? Sex becomes a job, not romance, when scheduled with a calendar and thermometer? ("I'm really not in the mood but we have to do it today.")
What about adoption? Are they bad people if they don't want to adopt? Heck, even gay couples adopt.
What are the long-term effects of childlessness?
My wife and I had two misses. I sometimes feel that by not reproducing, by not being part of the human continuum, I've never really grown up and I became my own kid. I buy myself lots of big boy's toys.
We do have a wonderful and loving Golden Retriever. I scoop up dog shit instead of paying for weddings and college.
We have wonderful nieces and nephews, but as we get older, we wonder who will be available to wipe up our drool when we're in the nursing home. I paid for a year of college for one nephew and told him that he owes me a year of drool-wiping. He thought I was joking. I smiled when I said it, but I wasn't joking.
I'm sorry if this depresses anyone, but maybe it will provide a push for someone to write a book about men and miscarriages. I don't think I can do it.
(Hazmat bag from http://www.benmeadows.com/)